Why...

You probably are wondering what now...why what...are you still talking about why you scrap. Well, the answer is yes. I am still talking about it. But this will probably be my final installment on the subject - this is the hardest of all reasons to scrap. But, what the heck - this is supposed to be cathartic - it's supposed to make me feel better when I journal it out. So, here goes:
I've made a huge error - I have not met a goal - I have failed at something - yep, it's true. Many of you only hear about the great stuff in my life. I have been asked so many times how I do it - how can I have a day job, a business, and am still married with 5 kids. The truth is I am not even sure. I don't know how they put up with me. I am bossy, pushy, argumentative, difficult, demanding and so much more. But, who can live up to those standards all the time? I can't meet up to those standards.

You are all probably wondering what is this big thing that she failed at. What huge, big secret has Dee been keeping from us. Here it is: My birthday came and passed and I did not get my driver's licence. I know it doesn't sound so bad - most people are shocked or think it's weird that I don't drive. But, I can't help it. It really doesn't matter to me that I don't drive. What does, is my inability to bite the bullet and take the test. What could have caused me not to meet a goal - when I am such a Type A personality? Why haven't I done it? What is my excuse? All week long I have been thinking about this - how am I going to admit that I couldn't do it? How could that be? I had actually posted it on here to force me to do it - because after all I could lie to myself but not to you guys - I would get it done.

So, naturally, I was going to do it. OOPS! That didn't happen. I actually avoided it even more - everyday saying that today was the day until I had no more days left. I am 40 and drivers licenseless. But, never fear my type a personality got me to thinking how could I fail at this? what is it that is stopping me? After, much thought, I am sure that I am afraid. Really, I am scared. But, not only of failing as a driver but failing the test. What happens if I take that test and I fail. I can't fail a test.
For as long as I remember I have not failed a test - through middle school, high school, college, my masters, both of my endorsements - I truly can't remember once - my evaluations are always high - having won the map award the last two years as one of the best teachers in the county - even being the teacher of the year at alva last year. I am good at taking test because I love what I do, I love to excel, I love to get the A - (Don't worry - I know this is a sign of a much deeper psychological issue). But, still for all those things I know what is expected of me. I have the background knowledge, the degrees, the work ethic to know what is expected and I get it done. But, this type of test is not something you can study for - you don't know what someone else is thinking...what they had to drink...what's happening in their lives...you don't know. And that my friends is what truly scares me. The not knowing - I am AFRAID of the unknown, of what might happen because I don't have enough knowledge in the subject. I am not ready. So, my husband has bought me driving lessons for my birthday and I am going to face head on my demons. I will be afraid no longer (well, maybe I will still be afraid of the unknown - but not of driving). I will practice and practice and I will get it done. So, although I have failed at this - I don't plan to let it stop me. I am going to do it.

So, there you have it - it might seem odd that I said this is one of the reasons I scrap - but with everything in life - you must take the good with the bad. I think generations to come will be astounded by my fear of driving - who knows what they will be doing - flying perhaps. LOL. Journal and document your fears and worries because after all we are all human and our families get that. Give them a real glimpse of who you are real and raw.

Write soon,
Dee